I've always preferred writing my thoughts with pen and paper. This feels unfamiliar to me.

Despite today being uneventful, it felt like a good day. I met my girlfriend on my college campus and we ate sushi. After that we took a nap in the car before she had to go to work. I really enjoy the time that we spend together, but I'm starting to get worried on how it affects our productivity. When we're together, sometimes I get this anxiety to be productive, is that my own paranoia not allowing me to enjoy myself?

I have work that needs to get done. My academic performance up until this year has been bad, but that's nothing new, I've never been good at school. Knowing that has only worsened my motivation and self-esteem. I want this year to be different. Before I found out that I might have ADHD, I felt as if I was drifting through my own life. I feel as if I've sabotaged myself, fumbled the opportunities that I have recieved, and that's something I deeply regret. I want to move forward not only for myself, but for my girlfriend who's been through it all with me. I'm still trying to learn how to work with myself.

All this to say, I want to get my life together. I feel happy with my relationshiop, with my friendships, with my job, but finishing college is an essential step in pursuing the future I want. I don't want to let anyone down but I feel as if I'm ripping at the seams. I can't help but feel afraid for what my future holds.

Do you ever feel like the days just pass you by? I know there are things I have to do, things I don't want to do, but should do to "be responsible". Yet I still find myself waiting for... who knows what.

Even now, I should be working on a couple papers that are due in a couple days, but I don't feel the urgency to get them done. A lot of the time I feel as if there's something wrong with me that no one elses experiences. I can't fit into the mold that was set out for me, I want to live a life that isn't expected of me. I want to get married to a woman, I don't want to have any children, I want to explore the world and enjoy its beauty with the love of my life. I want to work a career that I'll never get bored of, and finally, I never want to compromise on doing the things that make me happy. Often, I am called childish for sticking with the things that have made me happy since childhood, but I don't feel any shame in it. I'm going to be a homebody, that enjoys trying out new recipes, working on a craft of the week, tuning in to a new fantasy book, and playing pokemon. I'm happy to have found someone like me, that I can figure out this life with.

I'll try to stay consistent with my updates. I was even thinking of uploading a couple of old entries that I've written in my notes app. We'll see where this goes. Even though I really enjoy the aesthetic of this template on my laptop, I think I'll change it to a mobile friendly layout later down the line. I also am working on a new index, it's sooo pretty and a bit closer to my end vision. See you, stay safe :)

Oop's, there nothing here yet! Check back soon :)